Bruh

Whew chile. It's been a while since I've been in the head space to sit & sort through the chaos in my life. The past year has been such a rollercoaster for me, but I'm a strong believer in turning your test into a testimony. I want yall to bare with me as I unpack for a second. I'm about to get real vulnerable, and if you know me, you know that's a hard thing for me to do. But I know telling my story completes the cycle of healing for me, and it also may bring inspiration to someone else going through something similar. Either way, I gotta get this shit off my chest. So here we go....

2025 was a year that completely stripped me to my core. I thought I've experienced pain & heartbreak before, but I've never experienced emotional turmoil on the level that I have in 2025 & the beginning of 2026. I lost my grandma, my dad, my grandad, my mind, & my job. Talk about a series of unfortunate fucking events.

On April 8, 2025 I lost my grandmother. My grandmother meant the world to me. She raised me from a baby, she was my world, she was my twin flame. We were so much alike. Everybody knew how much she meant to me & how much I meant to her. It was such a struggle watching her go from being the lively person she was to someone who couldn't walk, couldn't remember words, or even how to eat. Dementia is such a terrible disease & it consumed her so quickly. She went from being herself to the shell of what used to be in literally a matter of a couple of months. Watching someone you love leave this earth does something to you. It changes you in a way that I can't explain. This was the first time that I've experienced death on this level. Like yes I've had family members and associates die, I've seen dead bodies, hell I've seen murders, but this....this... hit differently. This shit broke me.

After the funeral everybody goes back to their life. People forget to check on you. People forget that your life has been completely altered, because for them this person was just an extra in their story. But for me, she was my story. She made me into the woman I am today. How do you just move on from that? I slipped into a terrible depression. I've dealt with depression before but never on this level. I knew I needed help. I've been in therapy before & knew that this was the time for me to go back. I couldn't climb out of this hole on my own.

Hindsight is always so much clearer than while you're in the thick of the storm. Looking back now, I know that I threw myself back into "life" way too quickly after my grandma passed which ultimately hurt me more than it helped. I didn't give myself time to properly grieve & process my emotions. I only took a few days off from work(terrible decision) and immediately just tried to keep myself busy instead of processing what the fuck was happening. This ultimately came back to bite me in the ass because instead of working through my emotions I was just surpressing them. And if you know anything about suppressed emotions, you know they are bound to come back up eventually. And 10 times out of 10 it's always at the wrong time.

While dealing with the extensive grief from my grandmother I didn't feel like myself. I would find myself mentally checked out so often. I had a terrible manager at work which also did not help with the stress of everything I was already dealing with. After my dad's unexpected passing on New Year's Eve, I decided I needed a break to just reset and ground myself. I ended up taking about a month off from work to get my mind back in a place where it could thrive. Dealing with so much grief at once completely rewired my brain. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, my anxiety was through the roof. It had gotten to a point where both my therapist & primary care doctor wanted to put me on meds because I was two seconds away from completely losing it. I couldn't let it get to that point. Deciding to step back and just take some time for me was the best decision I could have ever made, but it came with lesson. The lesson was that I had to completely put my trust in God and know that He had a plan & a purpose for me. When I came back to work from FMLA, I was immediately notified that I no longer had a job & that I was being laid off due to company changes. This really could have been my 13th reason but I had already made a choice. A choice to trust in God wholeheartedly. And that's exactly what I did.

It's hard to just completely let go of control and let someone elese lead. But I know my God is bigger than all of my problems. Maybe this was a test? In the book of Job, he lost everything, but his faith remained unwavered and God blessed him 10 fold. I had to understand that this was my Job season. This was the season where I had to trust that sometimes you have to walk through that fire knowing that God will bring you out unscathed. I can't say that I am at the end of my Job season quite yet, but I can finally see the light. I feel at peace knowing that I don't have to fight these battles alone. I have the support of my family and my friends, but most importantly I have God.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Philippians 4:13